I recently facilitated a couple’s session where the man would go through periods of moodiness and discontent. He thought he was hiding it well from his wife but he was merely denying it when she made attempts to address it. This was very invalidating to her. He would spend a lot of time alone and in his thoughts thinking he was being a wonderful husband because he was physically present and loyal. His contempt was palpable and his denial left her with no means to address the dynamics. It left her frustrated and disappointed most of the time. While he felt he was being the perfect husband, it read like martyrdom.
In their session a very old lifetime they shared revealed itself. It was one in which she was royalty. He was a foreigner in her land and was impressed by her level of power. Because of his spiritual immaturity and enjoyment of a challenge, he set out with the intention of winning her over. He did just that. He won her love and devotion, took her from her homeland where she was greatly respected, isolated her from anyone but him, and then withdrew his love from her. He set out to conquer her and he did.
They have been together many many lifetimes. Because it was such a drastic shift in her personal dynamics, the scenario replayed itself in many of their incarnations together. It has become such an ingrained pattern that it is at a saturation point in this lifetime. They needed to break this dynamic for the sake of her personal empowerment and for his spiritual freedom.
In this lifetime this cycle manifested as him having contempt for her for not sticking up for herself. What was revealed in the session was that it wasn’t really contempt for her but self loathing for what he had done to create this neediness in her. She was merely a reminder of his despicable lack of appreciation for the dynamic woman that she was. The neediness that he detected and loathed in her was one that he had consciously developed for his own musings. Her being dependent upon his love, was a constant reminder of his own failings as a human being in the need to conquer her. The more she thought she was being loving, he construed it as needy and it only brought more contempt from him.
In the present life, they were clueless to this dynamic. But to both it resonated at such a deep level. They both felt it was their truth. The wife was deeply validated by all that was revealed and her work is to regain her regal stature that is her true nature. The husband thought that when he was going off to be alone, he was being noble. He finally understands that that behavior is exactly what caused her to feel even more needy and hopeless.
I explained to him that if he wanted to be free and show spiritual integrity, he would stay present with her when she needed it and as long as she needed it. He thought being spiritual was isolating himself and being alone in his thought. But his spiritual work involves using all his skills and talents to pour back into her all that he allowed to be depleted. By empowering her with his love, he was gaining his own spiritual freedom. Isn’t this, in a sense, what we do with all our interactions?