When I was isolated in the basement, I still had an incredible desire to Love. It was way beyond the need to BE loved but just the hunger to Love was so strong. I was conditioned to believe that the world itself hated me and that there was nothing that wanted my love and so I was disconnected in such an incredible way; and yet the desire to Love remained.
I had few possessions but a set of flannel sheets got passed by being scrutinized and taken away. One pillow case I used as a sack to carry my work tools up and down the steep hill; which was priceless. The other one I would curl up into a pretend animal shape and love it like a child would love a stuffed animal. It was a great comfort to me.
I remember waking up in harshest of mornings with my spirits running very high for some reason. I was really happy inside and felt with a conviction that I was going to survive this experience. I wasn’t allowed to interact with my dog and so that bond between us was broken but I knew somewhere in myself that I would live through this experience and that there was another dog in my future. I got a sense of her. She was calm and black and not overly excitable.
It wasn’t until I had been back for a while that I remembered knowing that I would have a dog in the future and that somehow she had sent me love and support in my bleakest moments. She is my cherished friend now. Her name is Simha and she has an incredible ability to tolerate my need to love her. When we cuddle in the night, she and I go to the me in that past experience and feed her with the Love that sustained her in that encapsulated moment. I may not always do it enough in real-time, but I do it for when it mattered most and was vital. Simha and I kept me alive.
It is a great technique: Think of a time when you were at a low point. Go to yourself and pour the love into you that needed it then. It will have the effect of collapsing time and feed you with incredible strength and resiliency in the present. It works! I am living evidence that it works!