Yesterday I got discouraged. I was feeling very sad that I seem to be failing at my task. I have not been successful at compiling the books that people are asking for. It prevents me from having a larger platform to reach more people and to help them understand their own dynamic self. In failing at this, I am not assisting in creating that tipping point in humanity to help in that shift in consciousness. I feel like I am failing.
I live in an apartment complex that is set up in a little square layout. There are only two trees in the common area to absorb the noise. People have lost the awareness that trees absorb sound and negativity. They are vital for peace of mind. Sometimes I get little of that where I live.
To some people, it would be a haven but I feel sound as a physical sensation. I just made it through two weeks of bulldozers and work trucks digging up my apartments foundation. This coupled with workmen swearing and engaging each other and their radios blaring was nearly intolerable to me. I know to some that may seem petty but I feel and experience so much with my sensitivities that it is difficult.
I got through all that only to have a neighbor recently get a dog and leave it alone while they work. He is trapped, alone and angry. That’s all he knows. He barks out anger for hours at a time. I try to explain to him inwardly that he is loved, safe and cared for. But he is not receptive. I have been absorbing his distress all week.
If I have a desire, it is for more peace. Just a place where I can plant my forest and pour love into the earth and care for them. A quiet place where I can live without being bombarded by children screaming in play, insensitive neighbors on their cellphones, which to me translates as them being on megaphones, and weekly, if not daily groundskeepers churning away on some chainsaw-sounding device meant to beautify the property.
Yesterday I was overwhelmed by the contrast of being sensitive and using these incredible sensitivities to assist others. I was discouraged. I was also feeling incredibly lonely. Since I know that feelings are only temporary and I try never to dump the load that they represent on others, I usually tolerate such things. Also when others are feeling low and despondent I feel it. It shows up exactly like my own except for my awareness that it is not. I am sure this is how it is for everyone and I am grateful of my understanding of it. But yesterday the load was great.
So I took Simha to our favorite park to have a good healthy cry under a tree. It was near dusk and there was hardly anyone there. When we finished our walk and were heading to the car, another car pulled up and addressed me. Since I usually go through my day completely invisible, it was unusual. I have trained myself to pay attention to unusual events.
It was a police officer. He had stopped to confront me for not having Simha on a leash. The human side wanted to react and throw a little fit at the timing. The human side wanted to say, “Sure Universe, pile it on.” The human side wanted to create a drama. At first I was short with him. I actually invited him to give me a ticket, because that would add to the events of the day.
Apparently, officers are trained to listen because he did something that I am not used to, he asked me about my day. I dismissed his question. But he was adamant that I tell him and did offer to give me a ticket if I did not. So I explained to him that he wouldn’t understand but… I am a very gifted healer that can help many people, yet I seem to be invisible to all but a few who recognize what I do. And even if people are privy to my assistance, their human psyche dismisses it after the fact. Others get a sense of it and diminish it by comparing me to someone they know who took a Reiki class a few years ago.
He listened. He was trained to listen. He wasn’t sorting through the details. He was focused and alert but not thinking how he could fix it, how he could interject, or judging me in any way. He listened and allowed the stream of it to just pass off. Then he simply asked if I was going to be alright and said he would make a point of saying hello if I was in the park again.
When I got in my car, I could have taken the victim’s route and thought that the Universe was out to get me. But I didn’t. I checked in with myself. I felt so much lighter and free. The Universe had sent someone to talk to me as a kindness. I did not indulge in any other thoughts about it than that. I accepted the gift with gratitude instead of making a negative story around it. I just wondered how many other people are sent gifts that they interpret as curses. I am sure many. Maybe someone will read this and see blessings where they previously saw curses. I hold that intention.
Yesterday was a very good day.