The Anxious, Exciting, Nerve-Wracking, Confusing, Liberating Experience of Personal Growth
I met Jen Ward via the Internet, or, more specifically, Twitter; she was quoted by someone else I followed, and something in her quote caught my attention. I decided to follow her, too. This was in late December. By mid-January, I had a feeling she could help me in my ongoing quest for spiritual understanding, not just of myself, but also of the world around me.
I am, by nature, a rather inquisitive person. I am also intuitive, methodical, empathetic and ambitious. It’s a strenuous combination at times, and it’s gotten me into periods of physical exhaustion more than once. But, it has never stopped me from seeking more enlightenment; such is my curiosity about life.
I had decided upon following her Twitter feed and reading her blog that I would wait for an internal cue about when or if I should contact her for a session. In March it came- with a bang. I had a personal experience through viewing something completely unrelated to myself that convinced me I was dealing with emotions and impulses not from this lifetime. It wasn’t the first time I’d experienced this, but it was the first time I consciously acknowledged it and set about to understand it fully.
I had previously been doing quite a bit of work through sound wave therapy, meditation and journaling to address some nagging personal hang-ups I believed were affecting my work output and, more importantly, my enjoyment of this output: Issues I’d had for years and which I had earnestly tried to address in a constructive way. My attempts were successful to a degree, but there were still impulses and worries that I could not quite place which continued to haunt me. I literally felt out of place within my own life, but I couldn’t figure out why.
I scheduled a trio of sessions with Jen not knowing what would happen or how she worked. I only had a sense that it couldn’t hurt to try and would probably help. But, I also knew that any time a person delves into themselves, they are bound to get a few bumps and bruises, or, at the very least, feel periods of disorientation, anxiety or fear while settling into new patterns of relating to life. Facing yourself is not always the cheeriest of experiences, but it can be one of the most rewarding if you stick with it. You do end up liking yourself and trusting yourself a whole lot more if you make the effort to understand who you really are at your core.
Sessions With Jen
Sessions with Jen feel kind of like guided meditations incorporating EFT technique. I did not supply her with specific concerns I wanted addressed, I gave her nothing about myself but my name; She seemed to intuit my concerns, and quite accurately, too. It was a pleasant surprise to find myself feeling about 10lbs lighter after our first session, but without knowing quite how that happened. Aside from that, I did not walk away from the session feeling “different”, although I definitely got the impression she was tapping into my subconscious, just from what she was revealing to me during our hour together on the phone.
The difference, or the “shift” I might call it, was noticed slowly over the course of the next three weeks. It was a shift not just in my conscious thought, but also in the quality of my meditations, and in my physical stamina. What started out as feeling physically lighter morphed into the following:
- Lifting of depression
- Increased physical endurance
- Mental clarity
- Strong confidence
- A vague sense of balance between the feminine and masculine aspects of my personality
- Increased psychic/intuitive awareness
- Deeper and more effective meditations
- Longer periods of equanimity after meditation
- Less fear
- More optimism
I chose to wait until I felt a prompting before having a second session, just as I had the first. I did not want to interrupt or confuse the growth I was experiencing from the first session, knowing that anything worth having is worth waiting for. I like to think of the human mind and heart as being like a plant. You don’t put a seed in the ground, add water and get a full-grown fern the next day. You nurture it and tend to it, and you learn from observation and experience when the time is right to prune and water it, how much sun to expose it to, when to give it extra nutrients, and when to leave it alone. If I were to rush into the second session before it were time, I’d have basically squandered what I was continuing to learn from the first. I wanted to get my money’s worth, so I waited.
It was between the third week and the sixth week after my first session that I began to notice an increase in aggression. I’m not talking about aggression toward other people, but an inner tension and anger that seemed somehow familiar, and certainly ready to come out, rising up from my subconscious. While it was confusing to my conscious self, it was also something of a relief to feel, and it reminded me very specifically of a therapist I had talked to years prior who helped me through a tough time and the depression that came with it. She had described depression as anger turned inward. It made sense to me now, six weeks after my first session, with many past life issues of trauma having been revealed, that if the depression they carried had been lifted, then my subconscious likely felt it was appropriate timing to reveal and release the anger. Sure enough, in my next session with Jen, that is what we did.
Another way I might describe the sessions is like slowly uncoiling a tight spring, releasing the tension that exists within bit by bit. You don’t want to try to address it all at once; the human mind and body can only process so much at a given time. This isn’t a happy pill, it’s tending to your own growth, like the plant described above. When I did have my second session, I again felt a great release of an unseen weight, followed by a honeymoon phase, which then became a buildup of sorts of another set of issues. Each time this happened, the issues were less stressful and numerous than the ones before, but no less important. Addressing them made a night and day difference in my perspective.
After the third session, I decided I’d do more sessions as needed. Maybe a month would go by or six weeks and then I’d know, I’d just know it was time. I’m not suggesting that everyone requires multiple sessions; each person’s goals are unique to them. For myself, however, I had very specific deep-seated goals that I wanted to engage from various angles. Multiple sessions proved to be the most effective for me in reaching those goals.
By the end of my sixth session, I realized I was seeing myself much more clearly. I recognized what previously had seemed like a large collective of unrelated issues or concerns to actually be all part of the same major issue or two. I was discovering a clear direction for my life and for my work that I kind-of-sort-of always knew deep inside, but could not find a way to focus on. Removing the burdens of the past, whether from this life or previous lives, allowed me to be more present in the here and now. My journaling became much more fluid and profound, much more helpful. My personality began to change, resembling the best and brightest aspects of my youth, my childhood enthusiasm returning. It was unexpected, and it was beautiful. I began to find myself falling in love with life and everything in it, and being in that state much more frequently than not. Negative emotion began to feel like a rude intruder rather than the rule of the day. I was becoming grounded within myself in ways that traditional therapy was never quite able to bring about. I felt like I knew me, like I truly KNEW me. I could honestly say I was no longer a mystery to myself.
Over the course of the six sessions with Jen since March of this year, I could easily track the emotional phases I’d gone through before and in between each session:
Before 1st session:
It’s been an interesting couple of months since my last session with Jen. I have experienced a lot of internal transition in that time that includes a much-heightened intuitive sense, a greater appreciation for my physical health, a greater appreciation for my talents, and further more, a greater understanding of just what it is I feel I am here to do in this lifetime. Best of all, I am much less inclined to second-guess this knowledge. I feel…..well, I feel “smooth” inside, as if I am actually floating along with the current of my own life. It’s really quite nice. I will say that there are moments when it feels confusing, moments when an old fear of trusting myself surfaces. However, those moments grow weaker with each passing day. I feel somehow larger than this life, not in an ego sense, but in the sense that I am more than just this body. I am not isolated. I am not overwhelmed. I am who I am and I am whole and complete within myself. From this place of wholeness, I sense what I desire next- to expand on it, to express it, to share it with others through my work. I want to give to others in some way what I feel inside. It’s a good place to be and a great place to work from.
A Note About Impatience
THERE IS TIME to get to all of this “stuff” within ourselves. It’s not as if we were introduced to Jen on the last day of the existence of all life with God in his white robes hovering in the sky above, looking down sternly at each of us and saying in his deep, booming voice, “Get all this cleared up now and I’ll let you in tomorrow when the Earth implodes, otherwise…..you’re outta luck. Sorry, kid. Get to it! Chop chop!!” There is time, and time is your friend in matters such as these, so I do recommend taking it slowly, journaling the process in between sessions to release the pressure buildup and meditating daily on what you learn in the sessions you have. The rewards of putting this kind of work into yourself are so very worth it.Here is a sample of Jelaine’s artwork. You can learn more about her at her website: www.jpfstudio.com