Experiencing True Detachment

It was the middle of winter. I had resigned myself to my new life; sleeping in the basement, working all day in the harshest conditions, having just a bowl of rice to eat a day, tending the fire all night, being ordered to eat, sleep, work, shower with all one word commands. My life had become too complacent. I guess he sensed it and had to up the ante.

There was always a manufactured deadline of some sort for how long we would continue in this way. The completion always got extended. Instructions came to him from variables in the environment, the neighbors, his favorite TV show, and a little nemesis outside….the fox.

One night the fox defecated next to where I was working. When I had left to relieve myself he left a little “evidence” of his presence. The captor took it as a sign of challenge. The fox had thrown down the gauntlet. He had become the enemy. I was sent into the woods in the darkest skies of night to urinate in what could have been his den. It was very terrifying. But those kinds of outings became easier too.

The scent of skunk was in the air. The fox was mocking him. Apparently the fox and I were symbiotic. It was thought that we were working together against him. It was important that I not sleep. This would weaken the fox. To further confuse the fox, I was sent out to walk the perimeter of the part of the thirteen acre property that was not wooded. In the middle of the night.

My instruction was to walk around the edge of the woods in a huge circle around the property fifteen times. There was four feet of powdered snow and a huge incline; so it was difficult. The resistance and fear were incredible. This task seemed endless.

I was counting the turns around the huge property and anxious to complete the task but then something happened. It was a beautiful star-lit sky. The moon was so bright that I didn’t even need my flashlight. The air was crisp and it was very peaceful. I suddenly wondered why I was hurrying to get inside. There was nothing there. This night was so beautiful. Why was I anxious to leave such tranquility.

I had no reason to hurry. I had nothing to look forward to. I had nothing to even think about. I didn’t care if I lived or died. There was no one to anchor me into this life. The only thing I had was the incredible beauty of this moment. I suddenly felt free. For the first time in my life, I was totally immersed in the moment. I needed nothing. I wanted nothing. I marked that moment as the one that I experienced complete and total detachment.

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