I had made it through the winter working outside everyday. There was a small stream on the property and everyday he made me cross over. Everyday my feet started out wet and it chilled me to the bone. I had a jar of lanolin that he discarded and let me have. I would put a thick layer of lanolin on my feet to try to make them waterproof to no avail. The warmth of the sun became my savior.
When spring came, I was so hungry. I would look for things that might be edible. I watched an ant for the longest time debating whether I was hungry enough to eat it. I could not. I was caught stealing apple peels out of the garbage one day. Apple peels, fig stems and the skins of an avocado were a feast. But he caught me and smiled sweetly for me to come inside. He was being nice for the sake of the neighbors who were “in secret alliance with him” and “members of the Illuminati.”
He said that if I was caught stealing again, he would punch me in the stomach until I threw up. With a heavy sigh, the dog watched as I stole handfuls of his dry food to stay alive. It tasted like fresh biscuits to me. I did eat a piece of grass one day and it was a sweet little scallion. I was so elated. The life force of that tiny stalk elated me.
Every morning there was the ritual of walking the perimeter of the property. It was excruciating since he would do everything he could to squelch that energy within me that disturbed him so much. He could tell if I wasn’t totally defeated and it made him angry. I had to hear how disgusting and vile I was, and that God wanted me to suffer. It was his time to make me as miserable as possible. He would walk 30 feet ahead of me. He would stop if he felt my energy behind him and make me back up so that he couldn’t feel me behind him.
I remembered a sentence from my spiritual teachings that the blessings of God are as plentiful as the blades of grass. And Soul exists because God loves it. I would argue in my mind when he told me God hated me that he must be wrong because I exist and if I exist God loved me. The fact that I came from a huge family and could not scan my memory banks for much evidence of being loved only made his case for him.
Maybe he was right? Maybe God did hate me.
We were walking one morning, my eyes averted, and I was very close to giving up my inner insistence that I had value. I was so hungry and defeated when my eyes noticed something that was miraculous. That sweet scallion that I had found the other day; that was so invigorating to eat; hundreds more seemed to sprout up over night. It was a message from God saying I am lovable. God had sent the scallions to me.
It was a miracle! I was so happy. The captor was wrong. He was wrong! Everything he said was refuted by the sight of those scallions all over the land. He could not prevent me from eating them. He could not keep me from feeling God’s love.
I started to awaken inside. A small part of me knew then, that I would survive.