Several years ago when I was held prisoner by a psychopath, I was made to do horrendous things. They were unspeakable acts that I have not been able to admit to doing. I am not able to speak about them in detail; the shame is too great. Just writing these words elicits such incredible waves of anguish and remorse that I want to just press delete and retreat to watching TV.
The man who imprisoned me kept me in a constant state of exhaustion, terror and guilt. Looking back, I wonder why I did not stand up to him but I was always cold, starving, sleep and sensory deprived. Yet there is no excuse for taking orders and taking the life of another living being. The pain is etched so deeply that it manifests still as physical gut wrenching remorse.
There was a squirrel that my captor named Butters because he seemed extra innocent (like the character on South Park). He thought the squirrels were evil because they liked me. In his cage, before the end…he was eating a walnut in his fear. The captor laughed at Butters and said he had my disgusting obsession with food. He thought the squirrel and I were the same being, and him eating the walnut was his proof.
I would give anything to know that somewhere, Butters is healed and well. I do as much good as I can in the world to make amends to Butters and other innocents. The only way I can justify on any level, what I am guilty of, is to use it as a means to help others. The only way I can quantify my experience is to know that I have the conscious understanding of what it must be like to follow orders. Maybe I have some understanding what it is to be a soldier and to do acts that go against their own inner sense of morality.
Recently I was able to facilitate a session for someone who has been in active military duty in this lifetime. He came to me because of depression. I was able to tap into his many lifetimes of being a soldier and how it created a dichotomy in him. I was able to alleviate a great deal of angst in him. It made me happy to think that maybe Butters didn’t die in vain. That maybe he helped me develop a deeper ability to help soldiers release the guilt, trauma and confusion of service.
Here are some of the taps that I led him through. Please do them in honor of Butters.
I release the guilt and trauma of killing others, in all lifetimes.
I release confusing fear with being a traitor, in all lifetimes.
I release confusing taking orders with being a man, in all lifetimes.
I release the guilt and trauma of taking orders, in all lifetimes.
I release keeping evil as a pet, in all lifetimes.
I release harboring evil, in all lifetimes.
I release being a pawn for power, in all lifetimes.
I recant my vow to serve, in all lifetimes.
I recant all vows and agreements between myself and serving, in all lifetimes.
I release being enslaved to serving, in all lifetimes.
I dissolve all karmic ties between myself and serving, in all lifetimes.
I remove all the pain, burden, limitations, and programming that serving has put on me, in all lifetimes.
I remove all the pain, burden, limitations, and programming that I have put on all others through serving, in all lifetimes.
I take back all the Joy, Love, Abundance, Freedom, Life, Wholeness, and Peace that serving has taken from me, in all lifetimes.
I give back all the Joy, Love, Abundance, Freedom, Life, Wholeness, and Peace that I have taken from all others due to serving, in all lifetimes.
I remove all serving from my sound frequency, in all lifetimes.
I remove all serving from my light body, in all lifetimes.
I shift my paradigm from serving to Joy, Love, Abundance, Freedom, Life, Wholeness, and Peace, in all lifetimes.
I recall all my sacred parts, in and between all lifetimes.
I rebuild my fractured vessel, in all lifetimes.
I heal all causal wounds, in all lifetimes.
I am centered and empowered in divine love, in all lifetimes.
There seemed to be a weight lifted off my client. He had a sense of being a soldier in many lives. To get a sense that he was finally free of the unconscious agreement to be a soldier in the future gave him a sense of hope that he was not feeling before the session. He felt more spacious and free. I was very grateful to be able to assist him. We shared that incredible sacred bond that soldiers share, only it was forged in our energetic connection and not through service.